I have a tattoo on my left shoulder. It says “Cheers
to the miles it took to get here.” It’s not very original, but when I first
read that quote something reached me at the bottom of the figurative hole I was
in. I felt a little hope for the first time in over 2 months at that point. So
the next day I drove to Idaho with my best friend and had those words forever
emblazoned in my skin. Now when I look at that tattoo I remember how lost I
felt.
Similarly, when I look at my transcripts from
Washington State University I can pin point when I was going through a major
depressive episode and when I was doing well. Honestly, for most of my time in
Pullman I was in some state of depression due to my struggle with Major
Depressive Disorder (MDD). I was diagnosed with Depression when I was thirteen
years old, and diagnosed with MDD when I was seventeen years old.
Living as a young adult with mental illness is
extremely difficult. There’s a huge stigma attached to being mentally ill, and
at least where depression is concerned, the nature of the illness prevents one
from seeking help for it. While living in Pullman, feelings of guilt,
self-loathing, and eventually the numbness of “whatever” buried me for long
periods of time. I got into a cycle where I would be in a major depressive
episode for one semester and pull myself back together for the next semester.
The exception in this cycle was during the 2011-2012 school year when I fell
ill with not only depression but a mysterious abdominal pain; which has since
been resolved. In this case, I was unsuccessful for the entire school year
rather than just for one semester.
During my last semester at WSU, I fell into the worst
episode that I ever have. I strongly feel that this particular episode buried
me the deepest because I lacked a strong support system. Without a stable
support system the feelings of loneliness only grew stronger than ever before.
After Spring semester 2013, I decided to move back home and take a year off of
school. During that year I got a job working as a childcare assistant.
My job at Image Childcare Center has been a
particularly important factor in my decision to apply to Central Washington
University. It was through working for minimum wage with children that I
discovered many things about myself and my life goals. First and foremost I
have decided to change my major from English Education to Family and Consumer
Science Education. Through encouragement of my co-workers and supervisors, I
discovered that CWU has a far superior program in Family and Consumer Sciences
than any other school in the Pacific Northwest. I was also promoted to a Lead
Teacher and as a condition of my promotion I enrolled in school at Clark
College, where I currently have a GPA of 3.7, which I’ve earned while working
full time.
As for my depression, I will always have MDD. However,
I have learned many things about myself and self-care during my break from the
university system. I am confident that I have found the right formula to being
successful at school while battling my own thoughts. As I write this paper I am
in the midst of a depressive episode. The difference between February 2015 and
February 2013 is that I am actually writing this essay. I am taking steps
necessary to help myself in the long run and I am not letting myself be sucked
into a spiral of self-hate. That’s important, and I’m incredibly proud of
myself for it. Learning how to play the cards you’re dealt in life is
imperative to growing up, and I’ve done a lot of growing in the last two years.
Should I be accepted to Central Washington University,
I will be taking full advantage of student support programs and be seeking
professional counseling to ensure that I am successful. I want nothing more
than to earn my Bachelor of Family and Consumer Science Education from the best
program in the Pacific Northwest. I am determined to do this and nothing will
stop me.
Big thanks to Katie and Amy for the help!
