Surviving my home...

I washed off my make up and I looked in the mirror about 10 minutes ago. I have huge dark circles under my eyes. I'm not surprised, I've been getting about 3-5 hours of sleep every night for over a week. What did surprise me was I haven't noticed them until now... What's different... oh that's right. I've been wearing makeup this week. I'm not against make up or anything I just don't usually wear it. But I have been home for a week. It's not expected of me to wear makeup at home, but it feels like it is.

I feel so inadequate when I go home. My mom and sister are girly girls. The extent of the girly girl in me is my love of high heels and even that is iffy. I'd rather wear tennis shoes and jeans than heels and skirts. I don't like wearing makeup. I always forget I'm wearing it and I wipe it off accidentally... or itch it off accidentally. Eye makeup makes my eyes feel heavy. I don't dress up and I like sports.

That's another reason I don't fit in with my mom and sister. I like sports, so do they... but I'm what we might call an intense fan. I lose my voice whether I'm at the game, watching it, or even following it online. I understand football. I like hockey. I really like hockey. Like, a lot.

So how do I deal with this feeling of inadequacy? I put on some makeup, maybe even wear some earrings... and spend time with my dad.

Thanksgiving Break: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

I'm back home in Pullman. It's funny I call two different places home, but in reality I've only spent about 8 weeks of  2011 in Vancouver... Anyways on to the dirt about my break.

The Good:
~I got to see my brother and sister at the same time! That hasn't happened for nearly a year. I really enjoyed my time with my brother and sister. We even got a cute photo out of it.
~I didn't have to cook for myself for 7 whole days! It's the little things in life...
~I got to see a Winterhawks game! I love love love Hockey! It was really fun to go to a WHL game with a real fight where the gloves came off and no one got ejected from the game for it. College hockey just isn't the same. Plus I got a free hat. It's a frat boy hat, but I'm adorable in it anyways.
~I bought some Christmas presents! I don't have much money this year, but I do have enough to get a little something for those people in my life who I am truly thankful for and love dearly.
~I got to see my grandparents. I haven't seen them since April.
~I realized I might have feelings for someone?
~FREEEE FOOOOOOD!

The Bad:
~We lost the Apple Cup. That was upsetting.
~I got in a fight with my Mom. And threatened to leave.
~I got in a tiff with my sister.
~I lost my wallet.
~My windshield has a chip in it.
~I burned myself trying to save my cat from a hot glue gun.
~I realized I might have feelings for someone?

The Ugly:
~I spent Thanksgiving day and Apple Cup day with the dumbest, rudest, most disrespectful woman person I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. Talking about your relationship (sex life and all) with my dad before my parents were divorced is not ok. Bitch.

Expletive.

I'm kind of a bitch. Especially when it comes to my family. I just get so frustrated with them and things that are expected of me that I turn on the mega-bitch. I'm kind of like a transformer but when I transform it's not awesome. It's mean and hurtful.

I went to bed at 3 am. On my way up the stairs with my big dog the little dog woke up and started barking. This woke my mom up. I went to bed and was woken up at 9 am by my sister crashing into my brother's drum set which is stored in my room since I moved to Pullman. This didn't actually bother me because there was no expectation that I get up. I just went back to sleep after she left. Then at noon she came in again and informed me that it was noon and I needed to get up. So starts my bad mood. I don't care if it's noon or if it's 8 pm if I'm still sleeping and there's no pressing reason for me to be awake. Let. Me. Sleep. Never wake a sleeping animal right?

So I get up and I'm in a bad mood. How dare they make me get up at the crack of noon. I have also been informed that my niece will be helping me bathe the dogs. Great. Making an already difficult task more taxing. So I give the dogs a bath with the "help" of a 5 year old who gets upset when the dogs shake the water off of themselves and onto her. Then all is good and calm for a little bit I'm still tired and a little grumpy though. And then I notice my keys and wallet are not where I left them. They are instead hanging on the banister. This should not have been a big deal. Except it was. In the 15 years that I lived in my mom's house when something of ours appeared on the stairs or the banister it was my mom's passive aggressive way of telling us to put our stuff in our room.

Upon seeing my wallet and keys on the banister I got really mad. Was it really not ok for me to leave my keys and wallet on the counter? Really? I was genuinely upset. Why wasn't it ok for me to leave things that I need on a regular basis downstairs? I should not have to run up and down the stairs every time I leave the house or come back to it. In the scheme of thing this is not big. But I was mad and I had been practicing my self control with my mother pretty well for 2 days.I lost it. I yelled at my mom about being unreasonable when I myself was being unreasonable. I fight ensued about me treating the house like a hotel and how my mom was cleaning for the apple cup party she was hosting for me. Oh no. I was not going to let her get away with that one. She was the one who wanted to host the apple cup party. Not me. I made a mistake I said "I don't wan't you to host apple cup, you do." My mom focused on the words "I don't want you to host apple cup" I don't know how many times I've said "I don't care who hosts apple cup. I just want to watch it with both parents."

About a month ago, I started making plans over break. My mom said she wanted to be included in my apple cup plans. I said that was fine. Since it's my dad's weekend with my brother I had thought he would host it. That was not my mom's favorite idea because of my dad's wife. She asked if she could host it. That was fine, I didn't care. Well then my sister decided she wanted to come. With Sara comes her in laws and fiance. Again fine by me. Except now my mom is on a crazy cleaning binge because people are coming over. Okay... except I didn't come home to clean.

I know I'm being selfish. I just don't want to come home and clean up after other people. I haven't been home for more than a weekend since may. I haven't been home for more than 6 weeks since over a year ago. There is no way that that mess is mine. I cleaned the bathroom and kitchen and family room in may. And then, I left until now. It makes me so mad that I'm not allowed to keep anything downstairs. If you want me to spend all my time in my room, that's fine. I'm gonna spend time where my stuff is. So if you don't want me downstairs and spending time with you don't let me keep anything down there. Yepp, I'm a bitch.

Awesome People. Part 2

I would like to introduce you to a couple more awesome people in my life.

Sarah Welker is know to Camp Four Echoes as Goggles. I call her Goggs (and when I'm not paying attention to how I type "Googs"). Goggs is a really cool girl, she's a freshman at North Idaho College in Cour d'Alene. She randomly sends me messages telling me she loves and misses me even though we don't end up talking often because she is in HIGH demand! I once calculated how many seconds it had been since we talked. It was a ridiculously high number... but I digress. Goggs was there for me at camp when I was having a really hard day. On this particular day I was very very angry about something. So angry that I threw up from rage. Goggs who had been awake for 24 hours told me to go take a nap and she would take my campers. Goggs was willing to deal with six 9th graders (one of them was incredibly annoying)  while she must have been dying of tired, and she was more worried about my peace of mind. That is some love right there.

This is Alina Kay Morse. I call her Haddock unless it's a serious discussion. Haddock is the first person I "met" from Camp Four Echoes. She friend requested me and I ignored it because I had no idea who she was... Turns out she and I are pretty much the same person. I cannot count the times she's said exactly what I was thinking or vice versa. We're both grammar freaks (Nazis as my roommate would call us), we both love hockey, we both love baseball (although I think she enjoys the game and I mostly like the players), the list goes on. One thing about Haddock I really enjoy is that we talk everyday even if it's just a text that says
"we haven't talked today, I miss you" I also love that when one of us has a dream about a wedding the other will ask "what did my dress look like?" We are that cool. Haddock is always there to listen to me whine. She watched a really bad Hockey game with me just so we could see each other. She even came and rescued me from Pullman once.

Black and yellow, black and yellow!... Sorry I got carried away there for a second. Jarrod let Eleanor and me take this photo after Cru last year. I call it his GQ shot because he's all coordinated and such. Anyways... I met Jarrod last January? February maybe. I rode in the same car with him to Cru because he's friends with the girl who drove me. I didn't really know anyone who I rode with but I wanted to go to Cru and I didn't want to walk across campus to get a ride in the same car as Eleanor. So I rode with Caitlyn, and Jamie, and Jarrod. The second week in a row I rode with them, I was invited to stay in Caitlyn and Jamie's room to watch a movie with the three of them. I declined because I was uncomfortable spending more time with them than necessary (I later got over that :p). After trying to talk me into staying Jarrod hugged me goodbye. To this day I'm not sure why I let him or why I hugged him back. I'm not what you would call a "hug person" and I may have just been shocked enough to let him do it. After he hugged me he said something that still sticks with me "See, two weeks ago we didn't know each other, and now we're hugging!" I think a week later Jarrod discovered exactly how jumpy I am and took full advantage of that whenever he saw me and knew I hadn't seen him. Jarrod and I have become closer in the 10 or 11 months that I've known him. I can tell him anything and he is one "my people" meaning I do tell him everything... even if it means he has to interrogate me about my blog to find out the whole truth he always gets it eventually. To quote him "I'm gonna keep [him] around for a long time whether [he] likes it or not."

A night with Jessi and Molly

"I'm not a hipster! I had a cat before it was cool." -Jessi

"My brother said he wanted a fruity blue slush thing...so whatever that is." -Molly to the drive through guy

"I'll kill you if you name your son chadwick."-Molly to Jessi

"Down came the good fairy and she said..."-Jessi

"Queens are wild!"-Molly

"Do I turn here?"-Molly

"Yes."-Jessi

Molly turns

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"-Jessi

"I asked if I should turn there!"-Molly

"I thought you meant should I be in the turn lane..."-Jessi

"Another U-turn for Molly..."-Jessi

To the tune of Hawaii Five-O "I have to goooo pee duh na na na nuuuuuuuh"-Jessi

I'm gonna be- The Proclaimers

Last night I made some mix cds so that I didn't have to listen to Taylor Swift for 7 hours. I mostly just put whatever I struck my fancy while I was watching One Tree Hill and procrastinating packing. The Playlist goes as follows:

• I'll be there for you--The Rembrandts
• Frat Music--Sam Adams
• Pumped Up Kicks-- Foster the People
• I Run to You--Lady Antebellum 
• The Story-- Sarah Ramirez
• Not Over You-- Gavin Degraw
• Winner--Jamie Foxx ft. Justin Timberlake
• Stand--Rascal Flatts
• Say (All I Need)--One Republic
• The Call--Backstreet Boys
• Don't Stop Believing--The Journey
• Bad Day-- Daniel Powter
• I Just Had Sex--The Lonely Island
• Someone Like You--Adele
• I'm Coming Home--Diddy & Dirty Money
• The One That Got Away--Katy Perry
• Coast 2 Coast--Sam Adams
• The Story of Us--Taylor Swift
• Dark Blue--Jack's Mannequin
• And We Danced--Macklemore
• Good Life--One Republic
• Rolling in the Deep--Adele
• Animal--Neon Trees
• Dear Professor-The Deans List
• My Heart Will Go On--Celine Dion
• Bed Intruder Song--Kelly Dodson
• I Want It That Way--Backstreet Boys

Notice a theme? In case you missed it I'll highlight them for you.

I'll be there for you--The Rembrandts

Frat Music--Sam Adams

Pumped Up Kicks-- Foster the People

I Run to You--Lady Antebellum 

The Story-- Sarah Ramirez

Not Over You-- Gavin Degraw

Winner--Jamie Foxx ft. Justin Timberlake

Stand--Rascal Flatts

Say (All I Need)--One Republic

The Call--Backstreet Boys

Don't Stop Believing--The Journey

Bad Day-- Daniel Powter

I Just Had Sex--The Lonely Island

Someone Like You--Adele

I'm Coming Home--Diddy & Dirty Money

The One That Got Away--Katy Perry

Coast 2 Coast--Sam Adams

The Story of Us--Taylor Swift

Dark Blue--Jack's Mannequin

And We Danced--Macklemore

Good Life--One Republic

Rolling in the Deep--Adele

Animal--Neon Trees

Dear Professor-The Deans List

My Heart Will Go On--Celine Dion

Bed Intruder Song--Kelly Dodson

I Want It That Way--Backstreet Boys

The highlighted songs are about love or relationships. Current, past, failed, hopeful, friendly love. This seems to be a motif that keeps appearing in my life. My dreams, my thoughts, articles I've stumbled upon. It's been on my mind.

 "Like when you fall in love with someone, but they forget to love you back." This was in the opening scene to the episode of One Tree Hill I'm currently watching. The line struck a chord with me.

When will I learn?!

My phone rings. It's someone I talk to all the time and end up getting annoyed with 45% of the time I talk to them. I am in a slightly annoyed mood and ways. When I saw it was this person, I thought "ugghhhhh" but I felt obligated to pick up anyways. So I did. "Hi Mom.." What followed was her asking me if I was ready to go. "Yes" "Oh, so you're packed?" "Well, No..." I was then reminded of winter driving tips. Uh oh. Annoyed Molly was growing more annoyed. Does she think I don't read? I'm the queen of researching things like that. THE QUEEN! So instead of just politely saying "yep, I knew that Mom" I snapped about knowing how to drive. The conversation quickly spun out of control and as in all of the conversations that steer this way... "I just want us to be able to have a good relationship Molly." was said by my mother. Super. Make me feel guilty about our relationship. It takes two right? Is it possible that I'm the only thing wrong with our relationship?

I dreamed of you once upon a dream.

I think dreams are cool. Whenever I have a particularly weird or strange dream or one that I can't stop thinking about all day, I tell Eleanor about it. The dream from last night is bugging me so I'm going to post it on here too.

Last night I had a dream that I I took a friend home for Thanksgiving. Not as a friend though. I took him home as my boyfriend which in the dream felt normal. Anyways while we were in Vancouver he proposed. I accepted and then I began planning our wedding and then after we graduated we got married (the wedding was beautiful) and lived happily ever till I woke up.

I couldn't stop thinking about this dream. All. Day. Long. It was driving me nuts. Do you ever have strange dreams that make you sit up and say "What?" when you wake up?

Top 11 things to do instead of cleaning your room

11. Write a blog post about things to do instead of cleaning your room. When creativity strikes you can't ignore it.
10. Tweak your "clean your room" play list. You can't clean your room until you've got the perfect cleaning music can you?
9. Look up the lyrics to the songs on your cleaning your room playlist. You need to be able to sing every single word or you can't focus on cleaning.
8. Talk to your roommates. I can never clean until I've had a heart to heart with my roomies.
7. Text the person who reminds you of the song currently playing on your playlist.
6. Make a list of how you want to decorate your room which you have suddenly realized is very blank.
5. Ponder why you put off cleaning so long and vow to never do it again even though you know you cannot keep this vow.
4. Experiment with new ways to wear your hair even though there's really like 4 things you can do with it.
3. Look up some white boy rap. I do love Sammy Adams
2. Tell your best friend how much you miss her and then plan how you two won't live more than 10 miles apart when you graduate.
1. Complain about cleaning your room.

There's no crying in baseball. Er, Hockey.

Last night some friends and I piled into the car and drove up to Spokane to see the Coug hockey game. I. Love. Hockey. I love seeing them skate, I love how exciting the game is, I love it when they fight, I love it someone gets body checked into the glass in front of me, I love run on sentences... wait what? Since Wazzu has their home hockey in Spokane where my good friend (who happens to also adore hockey) lives in Spokane so she met us for dinner and then we went and watched the game.

When we got to the ice arena we caught the tail end of a Jr. Hockey game. They were soo little it was adorable. We were greeted by fellow Cougs who appeared to be mostly from Farmhouse fraternity. They told us they were sitting by the Huskies' bench (side note I had to just text my hockey nut friend to tell me that it was called a bench, I feel very dumb right now) so they could heckle the players. Nothing wrong with that! We chose to sit on the Coug side next to the penalty box. Those nice farm house boys I mentioned earlier rented out the other rink and invited everyone to come skating during the 2nd period break. I didn't skate because I was afraid of hurting my knee even further, but it was fun to watch my friends skate.

During the 3rd period when the score reached 2-9 Huskies I looked at my friend and she said "Oh my gosh, you're crying." I didn't even notice until she had pointed it out. Does this make me an intense fan or a fragile one?

Watching Marines Cry Makes Me Cry.

I am currently watching Surviving The Cut. It's a show about military special forces schools and how difficult they are. It's nuts these schools are soooooo physically demanding, not only are they physically demanding but they're also mentally tough. The percentage of men who make it through these schools is very low meaning only the best of the best (it takes a lot of work to even make to the school in the first place) make it. When a man who isn't cut out for it drops out or particularly when they are removed from training by the instructors they look so down trodden. Some of them cry.

It's very hard to work hard for something and realize you can't do it. I am currently struggling with "I. Can't. Do. It." What do I want to do with my life? "I don't knowwwwwwwwwwww!" is what I'm screaming at myself. Why does my knee hurt so badly? because of things beyond my control. I'm mad at myself and it's hard. I'm making major life plan changes. I do actually know what I would love to major in and I would have done it if there was any possibility of being able to support myself with a degree in History. I'm now looking at the next best thing: a degree in Social Studies Education. I love history, I love government, I love kids, and the job security as a teacher, while not as good as it is with other degrees, is far superior to a plain History degree. I will keep you posted on how this turns out. I'm going to finish my General Education Requirements next semester and then figure it out. I will probably still be graduating a year after my entering class. Although, sometimes people need more than 4 years to finish an undergrad degree.

I am a backwards sillypants. (Title courtesy of Marissa Langager)

In some ways, I am a paranoid person. I read things my friends have posted online and I fear that they're secretly about me. I had this instance of panic on Sunday night that resulted in me texting a friend and asking him not to cut me out of his life. He actually wasn't planning on cutting anyone out of his life, and if I were thinking clearly instead of in a panic at 2 am I would know that. I'm also paranoid about this blog, I remember in a conversation with Ace two weeks ago about having so many started and unfinished posts because I'm scared of what people will think of them. Ace was kind enough to remind me that this blog is for me and people can read it if they want to.